To a more happy note, I finished a short story (well, a piece of flash fiction) yesterday, and got a couple of ideas for a new (non-nano) novel. I’m probably going to start on that today, if not, tomorrow. Perhaps it’s the start of the ”season”, but I’ve been getting a writing itch, and I need to work on something, anything! Just so I won’t start on my NaNo accidentally.

Another thing writing related: I need to find some other place to write. I’m going absolutely nuts here. I found a place where I could probably sit on Fridays (it’s not as busy than) and drink tea all afternoon, and perhaps I could go to the library on other days. And once November starts I’ll be going to some write-ins, so that will be a good change of scenery. I’ll have to brainstorm about other options, seeing as I don’t have all that many. I might go and sit outside next year. But hopefully I’ll have my own room by next year, and won’t be disturbed all the time. (I might ask for a lock on my door…)

Off to do some planning now.

I’ve written 160K this year. All of this 160K is fanfic. This is not necessarily a bad thing — after all, fanfic is how I acquired most of my English skills, and I’m very thankful to have been able to use that learning experience. I think I’m ready now to jump into the deep end with my own writing. With NaNo coming next month, I’m preparing for that, but I’ve decided I wanted to work on another project this month, and, if possible, actually finish a novel this year. The possible candidates for this would be my would-be NaNo, Family Game, which I’m really looking forward to writing. But there’s another thing I want to work on, just to get the creative juices flowing again. I don’t want to produce drivel this year, I want to be coherent. I want to produce something readable.

So I’ve set some more ”long-term” goals for myself. Write at least one short story per month, and submit these stories to suitable magazines. I also would like to take part in the Paul Harland prijs, and perhaps the Absolute Fantasy contest too. Last but not least, and this seems the most daunting of all – I’d like to enter ABNA. The next ”round” is a little too close for my comfort, so I’m postponing this one to 2012 — this also means I’ll have to write a novel in English. I’ve never, save for a few exceptions, written anything original in English. By chance I have to write a short story for my lit class, but other than that… I also don’t know yet what I’ll pick to write for it, but I’m definitely going to prepare very well.

I am by no means a person to admire or look up to, but I do my best. I think I’m taking another step in the right direction. I can do this. I can. I just have to keep this in mind now.

On a sidenote, I’m not sure how to approach this, but I am aware some of my older posts have a bit of a… fangirl-ish tendency? Fangirling is still allowed, in my book, but with a bit more holding back and less angst. No one’s life is perfect, some are worse than others, and occasionally, we all have the right to complain about it. But when you’re done, please take your life into your own hands and make something out of it, because no one will do it for you. I’ve taken these first few steps, and it feels wonderful. I feel like I can accomplish something now. And if I can do this, so can anyone else.

Most of my writing yesterday consisted of this cracky one-shot: Organic No, I don’t know what got into me either, but at least I lol’ed while writing it. Repeatedly.

I also started on the rewrite for Splatter!. …and got a sentence in but that’s okay! Plenty of time to finish. (I’m starting to wonder if not having a deadline is actually worse for my productivity, as I tend to procrastinate more. Like with writing this blog post that has nothing valuable to say.)

Maybe next post I’ll write something about, I dunno, soundtracks? I’m also kind of left to wonder why I keep getting horror bunnies for a fandom that’s not horror at all. :/ No, it’s not UST. At least I don’t think it is. (If it was, I’d be writing smut, not psychological horror. Ahaha.) But yes. This reminds me that I need to rewrite Lullaby, because no, it will NOT be romance drama because I killed Izaya off GODDAMNIT. >_> Stupid story keeps trying to steer me in other directions than I planned – which isn’t good because it’s a one-shot and… yeah. Handwriting it wasn’t such a good idea, because now I need to start over.

Total yearly wordcount: 97,049

As for the unexpected part, from the title: I’m writing something I never thought I’d write. If you want to get more detailed, I’m writing a sex scene and I’m surprised it hasn’t turned out like IKEA erotica (yet) (IE. insert rod A into slot B). I’m not finished yet, though, so it might still be a disaster after all, but for now I’m actually on a roll. Let’s just hope my efforts are appreciated.

Anyway, haven’t edited on Splatter! today (er, would it be redundant to say, ‘not yet’? it’s only 7 pm after all), but I think I can start the rewrite now that I have marked all the issues that need some attention. Surprisingly, I’m actually not using as much adjectives or adverbs as I originally thought, so my knowledge of strong verbs might not be as bad as I thought. I have learned much though, just from reading online, and from fanfic no less! I have to admit, though, that I’m starting to thirst for something more… sophisticated? I’m currently making a list of English literature I’d still like to read, preferably somewhere between now and September. (To give you an idea, I have Jane Eyre on it, Alice in Wonderland, The Picture of Dorian Gray. Books like that. But also Charles Dickens, Jane Austen. The famous authors, so to speak.) I’d like to be able to say I’m well-read, and I read books as if I eat them, I’ve been told.

Total yearly wordcount: 96,285 (but, as I said, more can still be added on this day)

But being the new face honestly scares the crap out of me. Especially when you want people to like you, and someone like me tends to over think things to the point where I look for a shadow in the middle of the dessert. (I don’t know if I spelled that right. Sorry.) Social anxiety isn’t just annoying in real life, it also bothers me online. HFIEWNJKFNA. Crap. >_>

On a totally different note, I’m editing Splatter! now, and dear God, do I use many dependent clauses. It’s kind of scary. (I use Spiletta’s marker method to edit now. I can recommend it!) But I’m confident that once I’ve rewritten this piece (that already sounded brilliant to me when it was still in first draft form), I’ll get over it and post it online.

Total yearly wordcount: 95,741 (and not done with writing for the day!)

News since last update: Finished another Pandora Hearts one-shot. I can’t recall the title, at the moment. Um. Oh, yeah! I called it Just a Little. full-blown crack, yes. I think it was funny enough, though, it needs some revising because I couldn’t decide on who the main ”villain” would be. And it ended up being someone you don’t expect. AT ALL.
Also finished a Durarara!! one-shot (new fandom is jifj4iwur4923r90. er. Well, it’s not head/desk worthy, at least. My forehead hasn’t suffered yet, anyway.). So, yes, I finished this thing called Splatter! (Original title, isn’t it? 8D). It’s not particularly canon either, but… yeah. You’ll get it when you read it.

Dear God, I can’t believe I actually had something useful to say when I was bothering to update this daily. Oh, yes. I have known this for a while, but with new fandoms and all that it has come to bite me in the ass again: I find antagonists and anti-heroes absolutely fascinating characters. I read many fantasy books, so at a certain point you can tell the hero, “yeah, I know already, you want to save the world because of unknown reasons (you’re noble? it’s for a good cause?), and I know you’re awesome, have great powers and will eventually win in it from the villain – but that’s also kinda the part that makes you boring. Sorry?” I think I’ve passed a point where I’ve had it with super-noble heroes that only do things because their heart tells them to/they are so selfless that they are willing to sacrifice themselves anytime, even during dinner/some old coot a very wise man thinks they’re the Chosen One/etc.

WHAT IS IT WITH THIS STEREOTYPE?

You’d think fantasy people would know best that the world isn’t black and white, and instead, it’s many shades of grey. Or gray. Whichever spelling you prefer. (I like the A one, personally. It’s pretty.) That’s probably also what attracts me in bad guys: it’s much more interesting to find out why they’re so “bad” in the first place. We recognise something of ourselves in someone who is also flawed, instead of someone who literally breathes perfection. And sparkles occasionally, too. Not to mention that people can’t always be labeled “good” or “bad”. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions – why can’t the villain be someone who, for example, tried to do good, but it all turned out really, really bad without him meaning to. It’s human to make mistakes. It’s also human to be forgiving of those who make the mistakes.

Of course, it doesn’t really make for a good story if the hero and villain make up after chapter two and play Robot Unicorn Attack the other twenty chapters, but still. Wouldn’t it be different? There are many types of conflict. There’s man vs man. Man vs nature. Man vs government. Even man vs himself. (I heard there were seven of these in total, but I can’t find them anymore.)

As it is, I don’t believe in “pure evil”. I also don’t believe in The Hero That Can’t Do Wrong, because we all make mistakes. If you find your hero lacking any flaws… you might want to dig deeper. And call him Stu until he admits that yes, he is, in fact, human. (Unless he isn’t, of course. That’s a possibility when you’re writing fantasy.)

Total yearly wordcount: 95,157

Just 5,000 more words to go until I reach 100k. Of course a million is unreachable by now, but I’m writing. And that’s what matters the most.

As a side note, kink memes are the greatest thing ever. Look if your fandom has one. IT WINS. ♥

Despite all that, though, the brain keeps going on and on with producing new ideas (I can’t really keep up with the amount of them!). They’re not all crack, though, there’s some serious stuff in there as well. The cracky stuff is just so I don’t get too angsty because of all the… angst. I’m kind of anxious about entering the fandom, though. I know what I write is fairly good (I’m not a n00b at this, ya know?), but new situations can be kind of overwhelming. So maybe I’ll just do some reviewing, make people familiar with my name? Perhaps I’ll have Emerald posted somewhere in May, and have some other finished products to show off by that time as well, that would be good. *ponders* Yeah, I’ll probably do that. Linkage will be provided when I post.

Total yearly wordcount: 88,066 words

Anyway, since last post I managed to finish Emerald at 4,781 words, and I’m pretty satisfied with the result. I’ll probably print it out some time this month so I can edit it to perfection, after which I’ll post it online.
I also finished another one-shot, Just a Little, yesterday, and it’s only slightly longer than Emerald at 4,796 words. It’s meant to be crack, but it can also be read as a serious fanfic with a humourous undertone, I suppose. I might do a background fic for this, too, as the circumstances really beg for it. ;D (Besides, who wouldn’t want some smexy Jack/Gil?)
Working on two other one-shots (Footprints and Persistence) both are really still too short to see if they’re worth posting. Also started on Retro, which is already quite hilarious. It’s a cracky spin-off from the real series, where they basically say that the Abyss can really screw with time, so when you get out of the Abyss you can still look young while 20 years may have passed. Than I thought, why wouldn’t it be the other way around? So those in the Abyss stay there for a really, really long time, and when they get out barely any time has passed in the real world. Wouldn’t that be the perfect prison, anyway? So that’s my current project. I can’t wait to reach the Elliot/Reo part. xD

I also received the merchandise mentioned in the previous post in the mail last week, it’s really pretty though it hasn’t yet succeeded in making me feel better. I can’t wait till my sewing skills have improved enough though, so I can try out some of the complicated outfits in the artbook. They’re just so amazing. If there’s any artbook I can recommend, it’s this one. <3

Considering my life, I do sometimes wonder if I take things too seriously. But at the same time, why wouldn’t I? I don’t know what comes after this life, so I should take everything that comes on my path, whether it be good or bad, because in the end it’s another experience to add to my list. Looking at my list of original works, I can see some development in there that wasn’t there before. There’s more real life in them than ever before, doubt, questioning, but also trust, friendship. One of them, Family Game, could very well be some sort of grieving process for what I’m currently going through. I don’t know who else will ever see it beside me, but I’m okay with that. Life isn’t just work, money. It’s so much more than that, and I want to learn everything there is to learn, that I’m capable of learning and understanding. That also includes my hobby’s, like writing, and more recently, sewing. That they don’t bring in any money doesn’t make them any less important or valuable. At stressful times it makes me feel relaxed, and who says I can’t, for example, use my writing later in life? I felt so proud when my essay for History got a 7 (out of 10), while most people had to rewrite theirs to even get a sufficient grade. So writing isn’t entirely useless, after all.

Don’t let anyone ever tell you your hobby is useless, because if you’re doing it and enjoying it, it must mean something, and who knows, maybe it will be very useful later in life.

Total yearly wordcount: 87,290 words. (Not including yet what I’ve written today.)

At least the day wasn’t entirely useless. I allowed myself to splurge and bought the Pandora Hearts OSTs, the guide books and the art book. Go me.  Seeing as I also have the first volume of the manga (got it yesterday!), I need to make a shrine of sorts. LOL. I feel like such a fangirl. xD

Seeing as Emerald only grew by 269 words yesterday, it’s needless to say that I’m not progressing a whole lot. (Though at least it’s more that the 0 words I wrote all of February, I guess.) It’s 3,825 words long now.

Total yearly wordcount: 80,956. I’d like to break 100k this week. It’s not very likely that it’ll happen, though.